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Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Talk about your own mistakes first

It isn't nearly so difficult to listen to a recital of your faults if the person criticizing begins by humbly admitting that he, too, is far from impeccable. Admitting one's own mistakes - even when one hasn't corrected them - can help convince somebody to change his behavior. Try using phrases similar to these: You are better than I was at your age. I have been guilty of so many stupid, silly things myself; I have very little inclination to criticize you or anyone. But don't you think it would have been wiser if you had done so and so?

*Compilation taken from "How to Win Friends and Influence People," by Dale Carnegie
posted by JK1 at 12:46 PM | 0 comments | add a comment

Monday, October 29, 2007

How to criticize - and not be hated for it

Many people begin their criticism with sincere praise followed by the word "but" and ending with a critical statement. For example, in trying to change a child's careless attitude toward studies, we might say, " We're really proud of you, Johnny, for raising your grades this term. But if you had worked harder on your algebra, the results would have been better." In this case, Johnny might feel encouraged until he hears the word "but." He might then question the sincerity of the original praise. To him, the praise seemed only to be a contrived lead-in to a critical inference of failure. Credibility would be strained, and we probably would not achieve our objectives of changing Johnny's attitude toward his studies.

This could be easily overcome by changing the word "but" to "and". "We're really proud of you, Johnny, for raising your grades this term, and by continuing the same conscientious efforts next term, your algebra grade can be up with all the others." Now Johnny would accept the praise because there was no follow-up of an inference of failure. We have called his attention to the behavior we wished to change indirectly, and the chances are he will try to live up to our expectations. Calling attention to one's mistakes indirectly works wonders with sensitive people who may resent bitterly any direct criticism.

*Compilation taken from "How to Win Friends and Influence People," by Dale Carnegie
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Friday, October 26, 2007

If you must find fault, this is the way to begin

It is always easier to listen to unpleasant things after we have heard some praise of our good points. Beginning with praise is like the dentist who begins his work with Novocain. The patient still gets a drilling, but the Novocain is pain killing.

*Compilation taken from "How to Win Friends and Influence People," by Dale Carnegie
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Thursday, October 25, 2007

An appeal that everybody likes

All of us like to think of ourselves as: being a person of our word, respectful, honest, generous, having honor, having love for motherhood, being unselfish, desiring to refrain from harming children, being right, infallible, and being an authority on subjects involving our life. Even the most notorious criminals, like Jesse James, Dutch Schultz, and Al Capone, counted themselves as idealists at heart. The fact is that all people you meet have a high regard for themselves and like to be fine and unselfish in their own estimation. So, in order to change people, appeal to the nobler motives.

When John D. Rockefeller, Jr., wished to stop newspaper photographers from snapping pictures of his children, he too appealed to the nobler motives. He didn’t, say: “I don’t want their pictures published.” No, he appealed to the desire, deep in all of us, to refrain from harming children. He said: “You know how it is, boys. You’ve got children yourselves, some of you. And you know it’s not good for youngsters to get too much publicity.”

Right here the skeptic may say: “Oh, that stuff is all right for Rockefeller or a sentimental novelist. But, I’d like to see you make it work with the tough babies I have to collect bills from!”

You may be right. Nothing will work in all cases – and nothing will work with all people. If you are satisfied with the results you are now getting, why change? But if you are not satisfied, why not experiment?

*Compilation taken from "How to Win Friends and Influence People," by Dale Carnegie
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Wednesday, October 24, 2007

What everybody wants

"I don't blame you one iota for feeling as you do. If I were you I would undoubtedly feel just as you do." This is the one phrase that will soften the most cantankerous old cuss alive. You can be 100% sincere in saying this because if you were the other person, you would feel just as he does. You and I deserve very little credit for being what we are. It is our environment and experiences that shape us. Remember the people who come to you irritated, bigoted, or unreasoning deserve very little discredit for being what they are. Feel sorry for the poor devils. Pity them. Sympathize with them. Say to yourself: "There, but for the grace of God, go I." Three-fourths of the people you will ever meet are hungering and thirsting for sympathy. Give it to them, and they will love you. Sympathize with the person's viewpoint. Soon they will begin to sympathize with yours. Sympathy has the enormous chemical value of neutralizing the acid of hard feelings.

*Compilation taken from "How to Win Friends and Influence People," by Dale Carnegie

My Comments:
I want to add my thoughts to what Dale Carnegie suggests here. First of all, while I love Carnegie's book, I realize that not all of what he prescribes for dealing with people is ideal for every situation. Of course there are exceptions. And I think there is an exception to how he approaches today's topic about offering sympathy.

Now, I agree with Carnegie's belief that showing sympathy can be a powerful quality to possess. Indeed, it can be the salve that soothes any sore spirit. And it's probably the right approach 99.9% of the time. However, the truth is, sometimes people dig their own grave. Perhaps their gloomy situations and mucky circumstances may not be entirely their fault, but nonetheless, their choices and attitude have had a lot to do with where they are. And when dealing with someone that is prone to soliciting for pity, sometimes offering that pity to them does not help their cause - it only digs their grave deeper. It keeps them perpetuating the mindset of "Woe is me." So, while sympathy has its place, sometimes you have to be careful not to allow yourself to fall down into the grave with the person, because if you do, you can't help lift them out. Sometimes, more than your sympathy, what they really need is your strength. It can be hard, I know. You want to be that soft shoulder to cry on. You want to offer a hug, a word of solace. But sometimes you need to be a stalwart voice of resolve that says, "It's time to get up, brush yourself off, and push on."

Ultimately, you just have to use your best judgment to discern what the right prescription is. A lot depends on what kind of relationship you have with the person. Naturally, the closer you are with someone the easier it is to excercise tough love if you need to. Again, there's nothing wrong with showing sympathy, but you don't want to fall into the trap of appeasing someone's hunger for pity if all it does is validates them to keep making the same bad choices as before. That doesn't help them at all.
posted by JK1 at 10:19 AM | 1 comments | add a comment

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

New Blog Search Bar

With this crazy blog growing by the day (now up to 111 posts), I have added a new search bar at the top of the blog. This way if you ever want to reference an old post, but don't remember when it was posted, you can search for it and find it rather easily. I hope this helps!

By the way, I just want to thank everyone who frequents this blog and to all those who have left me comments. I value your friendship and your feedback more than you know. You inspire and challenge me every day. The Bible calls it, "iron sharpening iron."
posted by JK1 at 4:43 PM | 0 comments | add a comment

A formula that will work wonders for you

There is a reason why the other man thinks and acts as he does. Ferret out that reason - and you have the key to his actions, perhaps to his personality. Try honestly to put yourself in his place. Ask yourself: "Why should he or she want to do it?" True, this will take time, but it will avoid making enemies and will get better results - and with less friction and less shoe leather.

*Compilation taken from "How to Win Friends and Influence People," by Dale Carnegie
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Monday, October 22, 2007

How to get cooperation

Don't you have much more faith in ideas that you discover for yourself than in ideas that are handed to you on a silver platter? If so, isn't it bad judgment to try to ram your opinions down the throats of other people? Isn't it wiser to make suggestions - and let the other person think out the conclusion? Letting the other person feel the idea is his or her own will help them to sell themselves. They will feel very important, and complimented. You will not have to sell them on your ideas, they will buy.

*Compilation taken from "How to Win Friends and Influence People," by Dale Carnegie
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Friday, October 19, 2007

The safety valve in handling complaints

Most people trying to win others to their way of thinking do too much talking themselves. Let the other people talk themselves out. They know more about their business and problems than you do. So ask them questions. Let them tell you a few things. If you disagree with them, you may be tempted to interrupt. But don't. It is dangerous. They won't pay attention to you while they still have a lot of ideas of their own crying for expression. So listen patiently and with an open mind. Be sincere about it. Encourage them to express their ideas fully. Allow a person to speak of the benefits and advantages, they will talk themselves out of the negatives, they will in effect convince themselves. Even our friends would much rather talk to us about their achievements than listen to us boast about ours.

La Rochefoucauld, the French philosopher, said:

"If you want enemies, excel your friends; but if you want friends, let your friends excel you."
Start to talk about yourself less and listen to your associates. They have things to boast about and are more excited about telling you about their accomplishments than about listening to your boasting. Ask them to share their joys with you, and only mention your achievements when they ask.

*Compilation taken from "How to Win Friends and Influence People," by Dale Carnegie
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Thursday, October 18, 2007

The Secret of Socrates

In talking to people, don't begin by discussing the things on which you differ. Begin by emphasizing - and keep emphasizing-the things on which you agree. Keep emphasizing, if possible, that you are both striving for the same end and that your only difference is one of method and not of purpose. Once having said a thing, a person feels they must stick to it. Hence it is of the very greatest importance that a person be started in the affirmative direction.

The skillful speaker gets, at the outset, a number of "Yes" responses. This sets the psychological process of the listeners moving in the affirmative direction. It is like the movement of a billiard ball. Propel in one direction, and it takes some force to deflect it; far more force to send it back in the opposite direction. The more "Yeses" we can, at the very outset, induce, the more likely we are to succeed in capturing the attention for our ultimate proposal.

Socrates is honored as one of the wisest persuaders who ever influenced this wrangling worl d. His method? Did he tell people they were wrong? Oh, no, not Socrates. He was far too adroit for that. His whole technique, now called the "Socratic method," was based upon getting a "yes, yes" response. He asked questions with which his opponent would have to agree. He kept on winning one admission after the another until he had an armful of yeses. He kept on asking questions until finally, almost without realizing it, his opponents found themselves embracing a conclusion they would have bitterly denied a few minutes previously.

*Compilation taken from "How to Win Friends and Influence People," by Dale Carnegie

posted by JK1 at 4:23 PM | 0 comments | add a comment

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

A drop of honey

If your temper is aroused and you tell 'em a thing or to, you will have a fine time unloading your feelings. But what about the other person? Will he share your pleasure? Will your belligerent tones, your hostile attitude, make it easy for him to agree with you?

"If you come to me with your fists doubled," said Woodrow Wilson, "I think I can promise you that mine will double as fast as yours; but if you come to me and say, 'Let us sit down and take counsel together, and, if we differ from each other, understand why it is that we differ, just what the points at issue are,' we will presently find that we are not so far apart after all, that the points on which we differ are few and the points on which we agree are many, and that if we only have the patience and the candor and the desire to get together, we will get together."

"It is an old and true maxim that 'a drop of honey catches more flies than a gallon of gall.' So with men, if you would win a man to your cause, first convince him that you are his sincere friend. Therein is a drop of honey that catches his heart; say what you will, is the great high road to his reason."

-Abraham Lincoln
*Compilation taken from "How to Win Friends and Influence People," by Dale Carnegie
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Monday, October 15, 2007

If your wrong, admit it

If we know we are going to be rebuked anyhow, isn't it far better to beat the other person to it and do it ourselves? Isn't it much easier to listen to self-criticism than to bear condemnation from alien lips? Say about yourself all the derogatory things you know the other person is thinking or wants to say or intends to say - and say them before that person has a chance to say them. The chances are a hundred to one that a generous, forgiving attitude will be taken and your mistakes will be minimized.

Admit that the other person is absolutely right and you are absolutely wrong; admit it quickly, openly, and with enthusiasm. There is a certain degree of satisfaction in having the courage to admit one's errors. It not only clears the air of guilt and defensiveness, but also often helps solve the problem created by the error. Any fool can try to defend his or her mistakes - and most fools do - but it raises one above the herd and gives one a feeling of nobility and exultation to admit one's mistakes.

When we are right, let's try to win people gently and tactfully to our way of thinking, and when we are wrong - and that will be surprisingly often, if we are honest with ourselves - let's admit our mistakes quickly and with enthusiasm. Not only will that technique produce astonishing results; but, believe it or not, it is a lot more fun, under the circumstances, than trying to defend oneself.

"By fighting you never get enough, but by yielding you get more than you expected." -Proverb

*Compilation taken from "How to Win Friends and Influence People," by Dale Carnegie
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Friday, October 12, 2007

A sure way of making enemies - and how to avoid it

If you can't be sure of being right, why should you tell other people they are wrong? You can tell people they are wrong by a look or an intonation or a gesture just as eloquently as you can in words - and if you tell them they are wrong, do you make them want to agree with you? Never! For you have struck a direct blow at their intelligence, judgement, pride and self-respect. That will make them want to strike back. But it will never make them want to change their minds. You will not alter their opinions, for you have hurt their feelings.

If you are going to prove anything, don't let anybody know it. Do it so subtly, so adroitly, that no one will feel that you are doing it. If a person makes a statement that you think is wrong - yes, even if you know is wrong - isn't it better to begin by saying: "Well, now, look. I thought otherwise, but I may be wrong. I frequently am. And if I am wrong, I want to be put right. Let's examine the facts."

You will never get into trouble by admitting that you may be wrong. That will stop all argument and inspire your opponent to be just as fair and open and broadminded as you are. It will make him want to admit that he, too, may be wrong. Don't argue with your customer or your spouse or your adversary. Don't tell them they are wrong, don't get them stirred up. Use a little diplomacy.

*Compilation taken from "How to Win Friends and Influence People," by Dale Carnegie
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Thursday, October 11, 2007

You can't win an argument

Why prove to a man he is wrong? Is that going to make him like you? Why not let him save his face? He didn't ask for your opinion. He didn't want it. Why argue with him? Always avoid the acute angle. There is only one way to get the best of an argument-and that is to avoid it. Nine times out of ten, an argument ends with each of the contestants more firmly convinced than ever that he is absolutely right. You can't win an argument. You can't because if you lose it, you lose it; and if you win it, you lose it. So you have proven another man wrong. Then what? You will feel fine. But what about him? You have made him feel inferior. You have hurt his pride. He will resent your triumph.

"If you argue and rankle and contradict, you may achieve a victory sometimes; but it will be an empty victory because you will never get your opponent's good will.

-Ben Franklin

*Compilation taken from "How to Win Friends and Influence People," by Dale Carnegie

posted by JK1 at 10:09 PM | 3 comments | add a comment

Wednesday, October 10, 2007

How to make people like you instantly

Ask yourself, "What is there about him or her that I can honestly admire?" That is sometimes a hard question to answer, especially with strangers. You want approval of those with whom you come in contact. You want recognition of your true worth. You want a feeling that your are important in our little world. You don't want to listen to cheap, insincere flattery, but you do crave sincere appreciation. So let's obey the Golden Rule, and give unto others what we would have others give unto us.

How? When? Where? The answer is all the time, everywhere.

Use little phrases such as "I'm sorry to trouble you, ___." "Would you please ___?" "Won't you please?" "Would you mind?" "Thank you." The unvarnished truth is that almost all the people you meet feel themselves superior to you in some way, and a sure way to their hearts is to let them realize in some subtle way that you recognize their importance, and recognize it sincerely. Talk to people about themselves and they will listen for hours.

*Compilation taken from "How to Win Friends and Influence People," by Dale Carnegie
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Tuesday, October 9, 2007

Meeting Josh McDowell

I had the wonderful privilege of meeting and hearing Josh McDowell today at a Christian Business Men's Luncheon. He is a renowned practitioner of Christian apologetics and author of some 70+ books. But today he simply shared his life testimony of how God turned a victim into a victor.

If you don't know much about Josh McDowell, many years ago, as a young man studying pre-law, he set out to prove the fallacy of the Bible. After traveling numerous countries collecting his research, it finally dawned on him one day in a London museum that the evidence all pointed to the absolute infallibility of the Scripture and the Deity of Christ.

Over the past few years, I have digested many of his works, including the book, A Ready Defense, in which he discusses the Trilemma, whether Jesus was a lunatic, liar, or Lord. He also provided a great deal of material that refuted the claims presented in the Dan Brown book, The Da Vinci Code, which I used about a year ago when I taught a lesson entitled, Debunking the Da Vinci Code.
posted by JK1 at 2:41 PM | 1 comments | add a comment

How to interest people

The royal road to a person's heart is to talk about the things he or she treasures most. Make an effort to find out what interests the person, then get them talking about it. Talking in terms of the other person's interests pays off for both parties.

When asked what reward he got from it, Mr. Herzig responded that he not only received a different reward from each person but that in general the reward had been an enlargement of his life each time he spoke to someone.

*Compilation taken from "How to Win Friends and Influence People," by Dale Carnegie
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Monday, October 8, 2007

Become a good conversationalist

Listen intently; listen because you are genuinely interested. That kind of listening is one of the highest compliments we can pay anyone.

The chronic kicker, even the most violent critic, will frequently soften and be subdued in the presence of a patient, sympathetic listener - a listener who will be silent with the irate fault-finger dilates like a king cobra and spews the poison out of his system. Be more eager to hear what a person has to say then even they are to tell it. Many people prefer good listeners to good talkers, but the ability to listen seems rarer than almost any other good trait.

All we want when we are in trouble is a friendly, sympathetic listener to unburden yourself. That is frequently all the irritated customer wants, and the dissatisfied employee or the hurt friend. If you want to know how to make people shun you and laugh at you behind your back and even despise you, here is the recipe: Never listen to anyone for long. Talk incessantly about yourself. If you have an idea while the other person is talking, don't wait for him or her to finish: bust right in and interrupt in the middle of a sentence.

If you aspire to be a good conversationalist, be an attentive listener. To be interesting, be interested. Ask questions that other persons will enjoy answering. Encourage them to talk about themselves and their accomplishments.

*Compilation taken from "How to Win Friends and Influence People," by Dale Carnegie

posted by JK1 at 3:44 PM | 0 comments | add a comment

Thursday, October 4, 2007

Remembering a person's name

The average person is more interested in his or her own name than all the other names on earth put together. Remember that name and call it easily, and you have paid a subtle and very effective compliment. But forget it or misspell it - and you have placed yourself at a sharp disadvantage.

Whenever you meet a new acquaintance, find out his or her complete name and some facts about his or her family, business or political opinions. Fix all these facts well in mind as part of the picture, and the next time you meet that person, even if it was a year later, you will be able to shake hands, inquire after the family, and ask about the hollyhocks in the backyard.

Sometimes it is difficult to remember a name, particularly if it is hard to pronounce. Rather than even try to learn it, many people ignore it or call the person by an easy nickname. Most people don't remember names, for the simple reason that they don't take the time and energy necessary to concentrate and repeat and fix names indelibly in their minds. If you don't hear the name distinctly, say, excuse me, I didn't get your name clearly. Then, if it is an unusual name, ask how it is spelled. Use the person's name several times in the conversation; try to associate it in your mind with the person's features, expression and general appearance. Then, when you are alone write the name down on a piece of paper, look at it, and concentrate on it, fix it securely in your mind, in this way you will gain an eye impression of the name as well as an ear impression.

Remember that a person's name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language.

*Compilation taken from "How to Win Friends and Influence People," by Dale Carnegie
posted by JK1 at 9:22 PM | 0 comments | add a comment

Wednesday, October 3, 2007

Smile

A simple way to make a good impression.

The expression one wears on one's face is far more important than the clothes one wears on one's back. Actions speak louder than words, and a smile says, " I like you. You make me happy. I am glad to see you." You must have a good time meeting people if you expect them to have a good time meeting you. You don't feel like smiling? Then what? Two things. First, force yourself to smile. If you are alone, force yourself to whistle or hum a tune or sing. Act as if you were already happy, and that will tend to make you happy.

"Action seems to follow feeling, but really action and feeling go together; and by regulating the action, which is under the more direct control of the will, we can indirectly regulate the feeling, which is not."

-William James

Happiness doesn't depend on outward conditions. It depends on inner conditions. It isn't what you have or who you are or where you are or what you are doing that makes you happy or unhappy. It is what you think about it.

"There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so."

- Shakespeare
Your smile is a messenger of your good will. Your smile brightens the lives of all who see it. To someone who has seen a dozen people frown, scowl or turn their faces away, your smile is like the sun breaking through the clouds.

*Compilation taken from "How to Win Friends and Influence People," by Dale Carnegie
posted by JK1 at 10:23 AM | 2 comments | add a comment

Tuesday, October 2, 2007

Become genuinely interested in other people

Do this and you'll be welcome anywhere.

You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you. People are not interested in you. They are not interested in me. They are interested in themselves - morning, noon and after dinner. When you see a group photograph that you are in, whose picture do you look for first?

"It is the individual who is not interested in his fellow men who has the greatest difficulties in life and provides the greatest injury to others. It is from among such individuals that all human failures spring."

- Alfred Adler

If we want to make friends, let's put ourselves out to do things for other people - things that require time, energy, unselfishness and thoughtfulness. If we want to make friends, let's greet people with animation and enthusiasm. When somebody calls you on the telephone use the same psychology. Say "Hello" in tones that bespeak how pleased you are to have the person call.

"We are interested in others when they are interested in us."

-Publilius Syrus
If you want others to like you, if you want to develop real friendships, if you want to help others at the same time as you help yourself, keep this principle in mind: Become genuinely interested in other people.

*Compilation taken from "How to Win Friends and Influence People," by Dale Carnegie
posted by JK1 at 3:10 PM | 1 comments | add a comment

Monday, October 1, 2007

Arouse in the other person an eager want

There is only one way under high Heaven to get anybody to do anything. Did you ever stop to think of that? Yes, just one way. And that is by making the other person want to do it. What do people want? Not many things but the few things that you wish, you crave with an insistence that will not be denied. Almost every normal adult wants:

Why talk about what we want? That is childish. Absurd. Of course, you are interested in what you want. You are eternally interested in it. But no one else is. The rest of us are just like you: we are interested in what we want. So the only way on earth to influence other people is to talk about what they want and show them how to get it. Tomorrow you may want to persuade somebody to do something. Before you speak, pause and ask yourself: "How can I make this person want to do it?

"If there is any one secret of success, it lies in the ability to get the other person's point of view and see things from that person's angle as well as your own."

-Henry Ford

Looking at the other person's point of view and arousing in him an eager want for something is not to be construed as manipulating that person so that he will do something that is only for your benefit and his detriment. Each party should gain from the negotiation.

*Compilation taken from "How to Win Friends and Influence People," by Dale Carnegie
posted by JK1 at 10:48 PM | 3 comments | add a comment
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